I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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