Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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