I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
