The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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