but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
