I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
