you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
