By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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