i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
birth control should be required to get into college
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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