If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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