nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
