This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
