Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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