currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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