ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
