Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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