have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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