WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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