I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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