How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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