I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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