If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
