Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
