um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
