She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
