Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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