then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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