After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
