I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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