You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
