tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
