did you get engaged???
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
