Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
