I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
