Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize