Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
