there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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