This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
