Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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