He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
