Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
