I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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