a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
