He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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