If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
