last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
