Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
