No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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