Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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