shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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