You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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