dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
