Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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