rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
