my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
