Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
