and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
