'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
