hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
