i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
