Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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