Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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