I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
