Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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