can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize