You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
